Aside from Momi Berlin, this mom also writes for PSST.Ph. It is an online magazine that tells the stories Filipinos want to read and need to read about. It features relevant articles and news written by Filipinos for Filipinos here and abroad. I usually contribute about relationships, parenting, and child-related stories as these are the topics I love the most.
Recently, I wrote about How to Deal with Unplanned Pregnancy. My intention for writing the story was to help those who are overwhelmed or perhaps devastated about their surprise pregnancy. The article mainly focuses on how a mother handles the news of another pregnancy after just giving birth a year ago. Such a challenging situation many moms face alone because they do not know who to approach to. First, they worry about what others would say about them. Second, they just cannot accept the fact that they are indeed with a child – again.
I started with the article with my head dictating what to write. At the middle of my writing, I felt it was already my heart talking as I let my fingers type spontaneously. Then I have realized that perhaps, I pitched the story to my editor because I want to address the topic to myself. I have been silently dealing the same problem for months.
Yes, I am pregnant. And it is unplanned.
The unplanned pregnancy
I do not want to label my pregnancy as unwanted. It would hurt the little human inside me for sure. But I know as well I have been hurting her all along. I am so indifferent to her. No more singing to her or caressing my tummy the same way I did with my previous pregnancies. I have not seen my obstetrician/gynecologist for more than a month now nor bother to buy a new set of vitamins. My attention has always been to my 18-months old son. And I still carry him and breastfeed him even though I would feel pain. I let him climb on my chest and let him sleep there. My doctor told me once I should not let my boy do that to me as it may hurt the baby inside my tummy. I just do not care. Or seem not to care.
Accepting my unplanned pregnancy
The Unplanned Pregnancy article talked about acceptance. That is it ok to cry and not to hold back the emotions. The mother should let herself completely experience the shock, worry, and fear. Having felt the unpleasant feelings, she would certainly not allow herself to live like that forever. That would be the time then she needs to readdress her feeling and detach from sadness. She needs to move forward and entertain the excitement of what having a baby brings.
Though I was able to detach from the pain, I haven’t welcomed the excitement part yet. Instead, I became indifferent. Or perhaps I haven’t fully accepted my faith. I still haven’t shared the news with my children and with my mother. I only have select friends who are aware of my situation. Others learned of my pregnancy because they have seen my growing tummy.
Anticipating my baby’s gender
I would be honest, though. I tried the Old Wives Tales on gender prediction, and the majority of the results led to a boy. But silently, I am praying for a girl. I still have a month to know the gender through ultrasound and somehow that’s what keeps me going. So I still see hope in me. That though it is taking time for me to accept my pregnancy fully, I haven’t lost hope to hope. Perhaps it has been my longing to have a baby girl that pushes me to dream. After all, I am always a firm believer of –
Hope is a good thing and no good thing ever dies
I came from an event this afternoon. After dropping off two of my blogger friends at their destination, I was left alone inside the car. I adjusted the volume of the radio and sang along with the artist. Then I felt a sudden kick from the inside. I have read once that babies tend to move mostly in response to what is happening in their environment. The noise, light or even food may stimulate them into kicking and moving. Perhaps, my baby reacted to the loud music. But what surprised me most was my reaction.
The red light was on. I found my left hand slowly leaving the steering wheel then massaged my tummy. As if still discontented, I found myself talking to my unborn child. “You like the music, baby, or too loud for you?” Out of habit perhaps, I reached for the rosary dangling from my rear view mirror and uttered my thanksgiving. Finally, I communicated with my baby. She must have been ecstatic.
The power of hope
I do not want to claim that I had a change of heart. But again, I see hope in me. I pray to Him that I would eventually learn to accept and consider my pregnancy a blessing. And may my family see it as a blessing as well. Our family is growing, and I would be more than happy if this time, the latest and last addition to our family is a girl.