BABY DIARIES| complete curettage at Week 12 Day 5

Apr 12, 2016 | Only Berlin

8 am, April 12, 2013

On my way to work on board the MRT, I felt a discharge of blood. I checked on myself inside the comfort room, and my underwear was covered with chunks of blood.  I washed myself to clean the blood, and I felt something hanging.  I gently pulled it, and on my palm beside another chunk of blood was my baby.

She was there so calm and complete. I immediately recognized her round black eyes.

Thank you, dear Lord, for answering my prayers.  Despite my doctor’s warning that I might not recognize the baby anymore and everything that would come out will just be blood and tissue, I still was able to hold my baby in my palm, and she went out naturally and so complete.  Thank you, Lord.

angel-2

My little darling, so peaceful and pretty still. So complete despite all the complications.

10:00 am, April 12, 2013

I had my transvaginal ultrasound.  The embryo was not there anymore yet my lining, the sonologist explained, was still thick.  I asked if it would be something to alarm me or not, she told me that there might still be blood or tissues left inside me that my doctor should attend to.

11:30 am, April 12, 2013

I underwent complete curettage.  I remember my doctor told me she needs to clean my ovary and remove everything left from my incomplete abortion.  I had my anesthesia inserted from my IV,  and a few minutes lost consciousness.  I  was not able to see my doctor nor talked to her.  I just regained consciousness inside the recovery room.

3:47 pm, April 12, 2016

I am nursing my eight-month-old baby boy.  God gifted me with a boy after the missed abortion.  He must have loved me that much. He loves me still.

50 Comments

  1. Joanna

    I am so sorry to hear about your experience. It must have been very hurtful, I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a part of you. I know the loss can’t be forgotten, but I am glad to hear that you have managed to get pregnant again and bring to the world a healthy baby after a few years from your awful experience.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you. And yes, we are so grateful for having a new blessing. He is our greatest joy and pride now.

      Reply
  2. curated1ifestudio

    I can not even imagine what this would have been like. I am so sorry for your loss, your pain and in having to experience this dreadful event.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      I still think of my baby sometimes but Im thankful God gifted us with a new blessing.

      Reply
  3. Ainie Callora

    This is very sad. :'( There are a lot who wants to get rid of their babies while some grieve to have lost them. You may have lost him but he will stay in your memory forever. Glad that you have another one who’s making you happy each day. 🙂

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you. And yes, he is making me happy.

      Reply
  4. SofarsoSabine

    Wow, that picture totally shocked me. It must be amazing for you to see your own little baby. It’s hard to loose a baby, I can tell from experience. The more I read online, the more I see mothers speaking about child loss. I had an article today about it actually. Run for KiKa it’s called, if you’re interested. Anyways, how did you say goodbye to your baby? Did you do some kind of memorial ceremony?

    Reply
    • msbolin

      I will read your Rub for KiKa. Thank you. We had him blessed by a priest. We put him in an urn. Hes with us everyday inside our house, in our kitchen where i usually spend most of my time.

      Reply
  5. Riley Reign

    My heart breaks for you and this experience. I am sending you all of the loving, supporting, healing, and uplifting energy in this process. I am amazed and inspired by your strength and calm within this. Prayers to you <3

    Reply
  6. ROBERT LEE

    Words cannot express how you felt and feeling now. Be glad to know that God is with you and you have people around you who loves you.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you for the kind words.

      Reply
  7. ASKSonnie

    Ohh my, I’m sorry for the loss. And as a father myself, I hurts to see losing your precious child. I don’t know what words to say.. I guess just be comforted with God’s love (and the people around you) and do not blame yourself w/ the miscarriage. And enjoy motherhood w/ that bundle of joy that you will raise with the majority of your adult life.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you. I was able to move on (thank you dear Lord) and is now nursing a new blessing. 🙂

      Reply
  8. Michelle

    This really struck home with me. I had a miscarriage a few years ago. I was able to make it to the toilet and everything was released into the bowl. Out of habit I flushed and afterward had the terrible realization I flushed my baby along with all the other blood and tissue. I still feel heartbroken over that. I wish I could have seen that little 9 week old baby. I would have loved to hold it and say goodbye. But shock and habit took that opportunity away from me. I’m glad you got a chance to say goodbye. Good luck if you are trying to conceive again.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      It was such a heartbreaking experience not to be able to hold your dear baby. But at least you have survived. I have no plans of having a baby in the near future. Not yet, perhaps.

      Reply
  9. Klaudia

    Oh my god , I am shivering . How touching is this . So sorry and so happy at the same time for you . How blessed you must feel now , enjoy your little baby to the fullest every minute of his precious life .

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Yes, enjoying every single moment. Thank you

      Reply
  10. DavidTofie

    Aw, what a journey. You are strong and amazing. So happy you managed to get good outcome at the end.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you. It was indeed a journey I would not like to go through again or other moms to experience.

      Reply
  11. ninasogue

    Berlin, I’m lost for words. It was very unfortunate that this had to happen. But at least the procedure was safe and that you were able to have a son after.

    Thank you for being a strong mother. And thank you for finding something positive after what happened. You’re an inspiration.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you. It was the darkest moment of my life but thank God for another blessing. He is truly loving and generous.

      Reply
  12. mamaspeaksagain

    I had 2 miscarriages before and in both cases I went through emotional heartbreak. These experiences were difficult indeed, but made me somehow stronger and would say a better mom toy 2 boys.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      I am so sorry for the 2 miscarriages. But you are right, having experienced that made us stronger and a better mom. Good luck to us.

      Reply
  13. Kat | Petite Momma

    It must have been a hard time for you and your family. I’m always lost for words when I hear stories like that. But God’s timing is perfect all the time. 🙂 Now you have a precious baby with you-which I realized is of the same age as my Baby Z 🙂

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Hello there, Baby Z. Yes, God answers our prayers in His time.

      Reply
  14. Jane Timbol

    You’re such a strong woman, Ms Berlin. You’re blessed because you’ve been very patient waiting for the right time. I may not know you personally but your experience is truly inspiring!

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you. And I just cant thank God enough for this beautiful blessing. 🙂

      Reply
  15. Mitchikels of Nostalgic Momma

    You know Mommy, I am glad that inspite of everything that happened to you, you are still standing strong and never losing your faith to the Lord Almighty. That’s why you are being blesses with a happy family life. Take care always. 🙂

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you for the sweet words. Bless you as well. 🙂

      Reply
  16. Nilyn_ECM

    sis, I am so amazed by your courage.I don’t even know what to do if this happens to me. Grabe, formed na si baby o, usually, I only see this pic online in Google from people I don’t know. This is the first time to see an actual photo from someone I know.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      I really thank God na kahit wala na si baby, at least nakita namin sya ng buo. The doctor warned us kasi na baka puro dugo at tissue na lang sya. Thank God talaga.

      Reply
  17. MommyPehpot

    Grabe ka.. I can’t imagine going through that inside a public rest room.

    Indeed God really love us that much 🙂

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Indeed! God loves us.

      Reply
  18. Neri Ann

    This is so heartbreaking! I would never be calm if that’s me! I hope you are feeling ok now.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Yes, fine and fully recovered emotionally. We have a new baby who’s bringing too much joy in our house.

      Reply
  19. Fully Housewifed! (@fullyhousewifed)

    I’m sorry for the baby that you lost. I admire you for your strength. Buti you still had presence of mind at the MRT station. Kung ako yan, i’m sure nag-panic ako.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Ive been praying since then kasi na I got to hold the baby. And God answered my prayers.

      Reply
  20. Liz A

    I didn’t see that coming. I wouldn’t know how to react myself had I experienced that.

    The Lord does work in mysterious ways, indeed. 🙂

    Reply
  21. den

    My heart sank when I read your post, your baby is beautiful and an angel right now watching after you. God does work in mysterious ways, at times we might not know why things happen but eventually we understand.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you. Yes, we have an angel now looking after us. God really does work in mysterious ways.

      Reply
  22. Louisa Mercado

    It’s hard for me to look at your picture and read this post. I also lost what would have been my first child. When I went to my doctor she removed the fetus but cut her in half… I was devastated. I’m blessed though because I have 3 beautiful kids.

    Reply
    • msbolin

      I am so sorry to learn about that and for making you remember the before. The good news now is that you have three beautiful kids.

      Reply
  23. Ma.Me.Mi.Mommy

    God bless your little angel…
    Lots of hugs to you from all of us in the virtual world. 🙂
    God is indeed good for gifting you with your 8-month old baby boy. We’d love to read about your journey with him too. 🙂

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you for the comforting words and got all the hugs 🙂

      Reply
  24. rollcoastermom

    This is really heartbreaking. But you’re right, at least you still got to see your baby. I didn’t get that chance when I had my miscarriage. As in blood and tissue na lang talaga yung nakita kong lumabas. 🙁

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Im in awe. God works in mysterious ways, ano? Thank God I was able to hold my unborn baby pa and saw na complete sya. But anyway, I hope your pregnancy now will have no problems. Pag pray natin:)

      Reply
  25. Ayi

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s a good reminder that whatever happens, we should always be strong for our family 🙂

    Reply
    • msbolin

      Thank you as well.

      Reply
  26. Arlene

    Hi Mommy Berlin, I love your blog! You share a piece of your world or knowledge in a nice and unique way. Keep it up, I’d love to come back!

    Reply

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