It has been more than three years since my missed abortion. Though I have not forgotten all about you, Angel, I failed to remember I kept a diary of us together. Reading them again made me ask God how you have been? You would have been three years and two months old today. But I read in one literature that in heaven, there are no children or elderly. “Some have said babies are given a resurrection body (1 Corinthians 15:35-49) that is ‘fast-forwarded’ to the ‘ideal age,’ just as those who die at an old age are ‘re-wound’ to the perfect age. Some believe it to be around 30. Some guess 33 since that is approximately the age Jesus was when He died. (lifted from https://www.gotquestions.org/age-Heaven.html).
Anyway, I know you are watching us from heaven. And you saw your momi sad. So you made me discover these writings to remind me of how strong we were back then.
The diary of Angel: Week 4 Day 5
I was not able to document everything before. Now with your coming, I would like to make an account of everything throughout our eight-month journey.
Today is our four weeks and five days together. We had a not so good night sleep. I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was sleeping at work and my boss called my attention. I promise to pray more sincerely tonight so we could have a real peaceful sleep together.
I woke up at 5:45 am. Too late to prepare so I just cooked hotdog for breakfast and spam for lunch. Sorry, I’m making you eat processed food. No time to prepare for real food. Next time I would wake up real early.
We arrived late at the office because your mama did not know how to exit the MRT. I also walked slowly for fear that I might slip because the rain made the road wet and slippery. I did not want you to get hurt.
We ate our breakfast inside my station. I only had two jumbo hotdogs for us, and you craved for more. I got a piece of spam from our lunch box. And after a few minutes, I felt that you’re already satisfied. I saw a slice of egg pie inside my bag. I remembered getting that egg pie from our ref this morning. I feared that you starve during our stay at the office, so I ate the egg pie. Now, I felt so full. I hope you’re satisfied as well.
Lunch time. I was so sleepy. Was that you who’s making me feel sleepy? I tried to catch a nap. I feared you might get hungry as I did not eat the Spam. I did not feel eating it. I did not know why.
We went downstairs to get something to eat at the canteen. The beef meatballs looked delicious.
We didn’t finish our meal. Your mama did not like the smell of the beef meatballs. The taste as well was not that pleasing.
As usual, your mama forgot to take her Duphaston. It was already 2 pm — an hour late.
Doc. Angge prescribed that I take Duphaston every six hours for 10 days. I visited her yesterday at her clinic and she mentioned that I am experiencing some spotting. Spotting, as I’ve understood it, is a sign of possible miscarriage.
Hold on there, our princess. I am so excited to see you complete and healthy. I will eat and sleep right for you. I will take care of myself for you. And all the more that I will love your brothers so they would love you back.
The diary of Angel: Week 7 Day 2
Your mama is not feeling well since yesterday. She spends her night at the Medical City for some lab and ultrasound tests. She has been experiencing extreme tummy cramps. She often visits the comfort room, too.
After signing the waiver and insisting that she can recover fully at the comforts of her little home, the resident doctor allows her to go home at past 10 pm.
culprit:
She has gastroenteritis. Though usually involves both diarrhea and vomiting, she experiences diarrhea more. Abdominal cramp is too much. The doctor says its viral and may be caused by fatigue (check), headache (check), and muscle pain (check). Full recovery is within a week.
Today, she forces herself to eat breakfast. She eats half of her lunch as well. She wants to sleep; she somehow blames herself for reporting for work and not spending the day on bed.
She drinks plenty of water with Hydrite to rehydrate herself.
What consoles her the best is knowing that you are unharmed — so alive and indeed kicking!
Her doctor recommends that she has a transvaginal ultrasound to make sure that you are ok. And she nearly cries upon seeing your developing hands and feet. The doctors says you have such nice heartbeat.
Can’t wait to see you, little princess. And as always, hold on there.
The diary of Angel: Week 7 Day 3
I saw brown discharge. There were pretty plenty that they freaked me out. I called your papa to report what I have just discovered.
I just had my transvaginal ultrasound a week ago and again, two days ago. And the doctor affirmed that you are so alive and have an excellent heartbeat. I was so eager to call our OB to report the brown discharge but somehow had second thoughts. I did not feel any cramping.
The closest I could consult was the internet. Read that the kind of spotting or discharge I have just experienced was completely normal after a vaginal exam. Likewise, a brown-colored mucus in the first trimester is also relatively common.
Ok.
The diary of Angel: Week 7 Day 4
On my way from the house to the office, I have been thinking of what I want to eat for breakfast. And I can’t think of anything but –
So this morning, I am having an 800ml Selecta’s Gold Series Vanilla Almond for breakfast. The label says this velvety vanilla ice cream is loaded with roasted almonds and is lavished with ribbons of caramel fudge.
The diary of Angel: Week 8 Day 1
Thinking of more names–
Bella meaning and name origin
Bella b(el)-la as a girl’s name is pronounced BELL-ah.
It is of Italian and Latin origin, and the meaning of Bella is “beautiful“.
Also a short form of Isabel or Isabella (Hebrew) “God‘s promise“
Brielle meaning and name origin
The meaning of the name Brielle is God Is My Strength
The origin of the name Brielle is French
Notes: Short form of the name Gabrielle.
The diary of Angel: Week 8 Day 2
Maybe because I had a well-rested Sunday, I am quite relaxed and good today.
I had 7 11’s Supreme Siopao Asado for breakfast. Yes, I did not eat my macaroni spaghetti baon. I did not feel like eating spaghetti today.
In between my wanting to eat, I have my crackers beside me to tame my not so hungry stomach. I spoke with a friend today and she recommended that I start drinking Anmum. I will ask your papa to buy me one then.
I had pinakbet and liempo lechon paksiw for lunch. And thank God I have almost consumed my one cup rice. For the past two weeks, I hardly finish a cup of rice. I raided the ref and saw my vanilla almond ice cream. And though I had fruit salad for dessert, I still managed to eat so many spoonfuls of my ice cream.
I think I am regaining my love for eating na! For the past two weeks, I was very picky yet always hungry.
I have discovered, too, that I could sleep easily if your papa would massage my feet with Efficascent Oil. So, it has been part of his daily routine to massage my feet before I sleep.
The diary of Angel: Week 9 and Day 1
I told you to hold on, and yes you did.
I prayed hard everyday that you be complete without any deformities, and the doctor announced that you were indeed compete – you already had your hands, fingers, feet and your beautiful face was just so beautiful.
You were still there inside my womb, holding perhaps. You were nine weeks and 1/7 day old. We do not want to hasten your birth. We want to see you complete.
I do not know until when you will be there inside me. We had nine good weeks together, and we are still counting for weeks to come until finally, you are ready to be out. I will still carry you, and by the time you are ready, I will be ready, too.
The diary of Angel: Week 11 Day 3
I was told at my 11 weeks and one day age of gestation that you were no longer developing. You stopped growing at nine weeks and one day. You had no more heartbeat and your color already changed.
I never had an idea that the baby I was carrying was already dead.
Our doctor called it missed abortion.
The diary of Angel: Week 12 Day 5
On my way to work on board the MRT, I felt a discharge of blood. I checked on myself inside the comfort room and my underwear was covered with chunks of blood. I washed myself to clean the blood and I felt something hanging. I gently pulled it, and on my palm beside another chunk of blood was you.
You were there so calm and complete. I immediately recognized your round black eyes.
Despite our doctor’s warning that I might not recognize you anymore and everything that would come out will just be blood and tissue, I was still able to hold you in my palm. And you went out naturally and so complete. Thank you, Lord.
We named you Angel. We have no idea what your gender was. But I knew from the start you were a she.
After three years
God truly works in mysterious ways. Depression hit me and I am still enjoying its company until today. Then I found this diary. And it made me remember everything we have been through. You were so strong. I was strong that time. too.
Now, I am showing weakness. I am carrying a baby inside me and yet I am not happy. I know she knows, too, that she is not wanted. I can’t even tell her to hold on just the way I was able to tell you.
I know you are watching us from heaven. And you saw your momi sad. Help me pray, Angel. I need the gift of acceptance before it’s too late.
cuz, move on…my plan p si God para sayo…dto ako lang ako pag kailangan mo ng makakausap…
salamat, Marie. 🙂
cuz, move on…my magandang plan p si God para say…dto lang ako pag kailangan mo ng makakausap o isang kaibigan…
So heart-warming to hear a lovely mom saying this kind of pray. May God bless you and little one 🙂
Thank you for the warm wishes. 🙂
I feel you, I had miscarriage too at at 8 weeks. I was so sad because that was my first pregnancy and namiscarriage pa, no heartbeat too. Good for you, nahawakan mo pa, ako hindi na, all I have is ultrasound. God is so good because after 4 months I got pregnant again and now I have my only son. 🙂
Praise God for gifting you your only son. I know you treasure him more than anything else in the world.
I am deeply touched that I have no words. Depression hits me all the time, too, but I always come up to the surface each time. You can do it. Trust and believe that everything is going to be okay. Hugs from a mommy blogger! 🙂
Thank you for the warm embrace. Yes, I will be fine and in God’s time, I will be up and laughing again. Thank you again.
I understand how you feel as having been through 2 miscarriages myself. It isn’t a good feeling and will take time to move on.. God has certainly blessed you with a cute little one.
Miscarriages can be so ugly. Yet, God has a purpose and reason for everything. May God bless you more and your family.
Still here, thinking of you and praying for you. We don’t know why He made this happen but I’m sure everything is part of His plan. To the angel, thank you for sharing the photo, mejo nahurt ako pag kita ko sa kanya, ang liit pero kompleto na. I hope all is well with the baby on the way. Little by little, I know you’ll be able to adjust.
Thank you. 🙂
This is so sad. Before Cloud, I had my first pregnancy but for only 7 weeks. I experienced major abdominal pain and resulted in a miscarriage. I was so down to the point that I don’t want to move on since we were very excited. Planned everything. Then suddenly that happened. 5 months after, I got pregnant again. Luckily, hubby and I are compatible. And there is Cloud. My little man.
And im happy for you and enteng. Obviously, cloud completes your family. Wishing for more babies to come. And hopefully, kambal tulad ng wish mo. Ehehe.
Hugs! Be strong, Berlin. I know your little angel is watching over you and is very excited to welcome an addition to your family. 🙂
Thanks. May she be strong as our Angel.
I still don’t know what to feel if I will have a miscarriage. I know your little angel is watching you everyday from above.
Big hugs all the way from Davao, mommy! I am sincerely hoping that all is well with you know. Hate to make this about me, but my mother also had a miscarriage just over a year before she had me. There was never supposed to be a “me” because the older “sister” we lost WAS the planned baby. But here I am! All I want to say is there’s a purpose behind everything, thanks to a God who is all-knowing and all-powerful.
I’ve had a miscarriage too on my first baby and i dont want to remember it again. I had my 2kids now and just last week i was surprised to know that i am expecting but no heart beat yet. I am earnestly praying gor this 2 years ago as well as my husband. I am now 5 weeks and just earlier today i had spotting (which i always encounter everytime i concieve). Im kinda stressed earlier thats why and tomorow il see my OB to check of this is serious. Kase spot lang sya, oh my im so scared! Then i read about this. Naiyak tuloy ako! 🙁
Sometime we do not seem to understand the reason behind bad things that happen to us, but I always believe the Lord has his reasons. I have had 2 miscarriages myself and felt down and yes depressed. I blamed myself a bit that, maybe I did not take care of myself enough. But those experiences made me a stronger person and a better mom to God’s new blessings to me – now 12 and 8. Take courage Sis and Trust in Him always.
Hi Berlin,
I am sorry for your loss. We know that baby angel might not able to live here on earth but surely baby angel feel how much your love is. Your baby will always stay by your side. I pray for your continuous healing and I hope this new year will give you the strength and hope. God bless you.
I can feel from your words that you are one strong woman and your angel must be very proud of you. Take care and keep your faith in Him.
I can’t imagine this happeninv to my little Katey. Being able to hold on for 3 years means you’re stronger than you think you are.
I felt sad after reading this. God has plans for you. You just have to trust. There are great things ahead of you and your family. Battle off the depression with faith, good thoughts and positive outlook. God bless you and the baby inside you.
Aww na-teary eye ako sa post mo mommy. I recalled my first pregnancy, which was an ectopic and I never even saw my baby form and I could not even think of it as a baby, even though it I knew it was, somehow. But still God is good. You now have an angel to watch over you!
I had a miscarriage the first time around too. I think I was on my 6th week, We didn’t reach Angel’s stage though. I think it’s a miracle she came out whole and recognizable.
Thank you for sharing your little Angel’s story Berlin. Angel is with you and his/her siblings all the time.
Aw. I teared up when I saw Angel. I’m sure she’s in a wonderful place looking over each one of you.
awww… after reading this blogpost… super bigat ng pakiramdam ko. hugs to you, momiberlin.
My heart goes to you sis. I hope you have already found peace and solace knowing that your angel is with God. Hugs.
I felt sad and lost of words after reading your post Mommy Berlin. I know na connected ang mommy and baby while nasa womb pa naten sila. God has a greater plan for you. Don’t let the little one in your womb right now feel that she’s not welcome.
Praying for you Momi Berlin.Be strong.
I can just imagine how you feel. But as they always say, everything happens for a reason.
I’m stunned that you can still go to work with stomach pains and while you’re pregnant. I don’t think I could do that at all,I was such a baby when I was pregnant,hahaha. I cried easily when I wasn’t feeling well and just succumbed to the bed beckoning to me.
Hugs Momi Berlin. I was able to relate somehow. Because my second pregnancy was unexpected, prepartum depression hit me hard, too. I had the same thoughts as yours and of course, I felt guilty as well kasi hindi maganda ang thoughts ko… I can only hope and pray that you may be able to surpass this stage. God has plans. He will reveal everything in His own time.
I think I’ll just leave a prayer because I have not gone through your situation and clearly I’m not in the position to tell you what to do.
May the God of peace surround your heart and comfort you through this difficult time. May your baby be covered by God’s grace and may His great love wash every fear and worry away. 🙂
This is so touching Momi berlin, I can feely your pain those times. But God gave you another angel.
Another angel is on the way to turn your life around. Everything will be alright. Just keep the faith. Hugs, Momi Berlin!
I understand how you feel, Berlin. I’ve had 2 miscarriages already and it still breaks my heart to think about it. But everything has a purpose. You getting pregnant again has a purpose. I’ve been depressed too before but I survived by powering through it and surrounding myself with people who support me. You can survive this. Stay strong.
I’ve read your post about Angel before and I still feel sad reading it now. Hugs to you! Last hurrah na si new baby. I’m sure it’ll be a blessing naman. 🙂
I can only imagine how heartbreaking the experience of losing a child was. Although, it was probably agonizing to recall what transpired during that particular pregnancy, it still is a source of joy and inspiration that you were able to document your days and gives you a chance to remember your little angel.
I am sure that she is lovingly looking down on you from the heavens and keeping watch of you and the boys, and the baby in your tummy.
We all have to go through ups and downs at some point in our lives, but what matters most is how we are able to get up again. You are a strong woman, momma. You can get through this with the help of your family 🙂
That was heartbreaking and yet I admire you for your strength to write this journal. Ang hirap kaya, I can imagine. When I’m depressed and sad, I curl lang into a ball and nagmumukmok. But you have that inner strength and faith that will let you pass through, I know.
I felt all kinds of emotions reading this one. I really don’t know what to say except, hang in there, mommy! We may never understand why things happen but it is during these times that our faith gets stronger. You will definitely get through this one! 🙂